


i cannot tell you how you will survive without me

by sejutaejo



Category: Avatar: Legend of Korra
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Lin is that character, Post-Canon, au where characters know when theyre gonna die, i mean much more painful, theres something about ships w/ doctors that make character death painful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:41:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25990762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sejutaejo/pseuds/sejutaejo
Summary: "Working at a hospital, Kya knew what its appearance meant. She has seen far too many instances that made its myth more real than it to be simple rumors in the wind. They say that it was the harbinger of death, the spirit that shows itself to a person who was about to die.  It wasn’t that hard to figure out who this mothcrow came for today."Kya wakes up to the day Lin receives the message that she is going to die.
Relationships: Lin Beifong/Kya II
Comments: 5
Kudos: 87





	i cannot tell you how you will survive without me

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by Adam Silvera's book They Both Die at the End
> 
> title from my favorite quote in the same book

_“I cannot tell you how you will survive without me. I cannot tell you how to mourn me. I cannot convince you to not feel guilty if you forget the anniversary of my death, or if you realize days or weeks or months have gone by without thinking about me. I just want you to live.”  
-Adam Silvera, They Both Die at the End_

The mothcrow was silently perching on the window sill. Its feathers were the darkest shade of black that Kya has ever seen on an animal, but powdery spots of brown, yellow and blue scattered across its wings like galaxies in space. Its feathery antennae curled on top of its head as the mothcrow remained still like ice in front of her, though its beady black eyes were chillingly trained on Kya’s wife.

Kya woke up that morning on the wrong side of bed, literally. There was no one on the spot where Lin was supposed to be serving as her barrier from rolling off to the right, although it wasn’t an uncommon occurrence because Lin was always the early bird out of the pair. However, that didn’t stop Kya from thinking there was something wrong with today. Feeling odd and strange, Kya went out of their bedroom looking for the former chief. But, instead of finding her cooking breakfast, Kya stopped at the sight of Lin frozen as she reached up to get plates and silverware from a higher cabinet, her eyes looking dazedly at the kitchen window. 

That was when Kya saw the ominous spirit. She would have thought it to be the most beautiful spirit she’s ever seen with its wings like space dust and eyes as dark as ink were it not for the implications of its arrival. Ever since Korra opened the spirit portals, spirits of every kind wove themselves a place into humanity’s daily lives. Most spirits were harmless and good companions, but there were some with much more sinister tidings in tow. Some such as the fabled mothcrow.

Working at a hospital, Kya knew what its appearance meant. She has seen far too many instances that made its myth more real than it to be simple rumors in the wind. They say that it was the harbinger of death, the spirit that shows itself to a person who was about to die. It wasn’t that hard to figure out who this mothcrow came for today.

Even if they were staying near the center of Republic City with one of the busiest and restless streets, silence veiled over their apartment, a quiet so sacred and heavy it would have been a sacrilege to make noise. Lin, however, the herculean force that she was, deterred from the hallowed ambience and moved towards the mothcrow. Kya watched as the love of her life raised her hand to the mothcrow’s feet and pluck a rolled piece of white paper from its talons. As soon as Lin retreated, the mothcrow flew away with glittering brown dust trailing behinds its wings.

When the spirit was out of sight, Kya threw herself to Lin’s rigid figure, the white parchment still rolled in her hand. Kya knows what this paper is, has seen more of it from the former patients in her hospital. She knows the shade of black it will change to when it is opened by the mothcrow’s recipient. It is dread and a desperate sense of hope that makes her snatch the rolled parchment from Lin’s fingers. She has a dark thought that maybe the mothcrow’s recipient was not Lin, but Kya herself. There’s light in that thought because what’s important was that Lin does not die today.

She quickly opens it and prays for what most would pray against, that the parchment turns black for her, but the paper does not change color. It remains the same and mocks Kya of the happy white color that it is. Silently, Lin takes back the paper while Kya still stubbornly holds on to it, but even the barest touch from Lin’s fingertips drenches the parchment into deathly black ink. In Lin Beifong’s hands, the mothcrow’s paper has acknowledged its recipient.

“No…”, is the first word spoken this morning, and it came from Kya’s breathless lips. In Lin’s hands, the paper’s black surface is blank just like the many more mothcrow papers Kya has seen in the hospital. It’s nothing but a dark emptiness that reminds them of death and oblivion. She staggers forward but Lin catches her before she hits the table. “No you can’t die today. It’s too soon for this, you don’t deserve it, we don’t deserve it. The mothcrow was wrong. It’s only been a few months since we started living together. Let me—let me –“ Kya pushes Lin towards the bathroom. Her mind is already reaching out for the water there and her hands are raised to bend. “Maybe last time I didn’t heal you properly. One of your organs are bruised, internal bleeding, fractures, spirits it wouldn’t be above you to not say a word if you’re hurting, maybe it’s a poison I couldn’t detect—“ she’s breathing too fast and running through every possible answer as to how a retired chief of police could possibly die today, and just as she’s in the brink of blaming herself for not being a goddamn good healer like her mother was, _failure failure failure_ , Lin grips her tightly on her shoulders and brings Kya back to her green eyes and two lines of faded scars. 

“You healed me fine.” Lin asserts with finality. “You’ve always healed me fine.” 

“Then what is _wrong_ with you? You retired from the police, you’re wife’s a fucking healer for spirit’s sake. Out of all people, you shouldn’t be—shouldn’t be the one leaving me!” she feels wet tears rolling down her cheeks so very unfamiliar from the water she’s bended her whole life as if her tears were something she didn’t own, something she couldn’t control. She’s feeling lightheaded and her breaths are coming in rapidly but she’s so weak and insignificant to that tiny little scrap of paper in Lin’s hand. “You shouldn’t be the one l-leaving me. Just when everything’s as peaceful as it gets, this is just so fucking stupid, Lin, I—“

Lin’s arms wrap around her shoulders and pulls Kya to her body. Even though Kya is the taller of the two, Lin’s chin rests above of Kya’s bowed head and hunched figure. Wanting more of Lin’s warmth, Kya adjusts herself so that her head is resting on Lin’s shoulder and her own arms are wrapped around Lin’s waist. Their bodies are pressed together so tightly that Kya can feel Lin’s heartbeat through her tank top, skin and bones, can feel the strong steady rhythm of her blood, her life, continuing to circulate her body. And with Lin’s heart teaching her, she learns once again how to breathe normally and how to calm her heart. “See? I’m still here.” Kya hears Lin say, so she wraps her arms much more tightly around Lin’s waist.

She doesn’t know who starts it, but the both of them are rocking each other back and forth silently like they’re dancing to some unheard music. Or maybe to the music within their bodies. Kya’s not sure, but she doesn’t care. Lin’s still here. She’s where Kya’s tears continue to drop and drench the white strap of a tank top. She’s the firm arms holding her close and not refusing to let go. She’s the even breaths Kya hears beside her ear. At this moment, she’s both life and Kya’s lifeline.

“When I’m gone—“ Lin begins to say but Kya cuts her off.

“Don’t say that. Not now.”

“No, let me say this.” There’s an honest insistence to her voice that makes Kya relent, so Kya lets Lin continue. “I don’t know exactly what to say to you to make you feel better when I’m gone. I can’t stop you from being unhappy, from being sad. I can’t stop you from crying even if spirits know how much I don’t want you to. I was so scared when I saw that mothcrow this morning because I thought it was coming for you, and spirits I don’t ever want to spend another day without you. But when I realized it was coming for me, I was still so very afraid. Because you’ve already lost your Dad before. You already know the pain of losing someone you love. You don’t deserve to feel that pain again, and I’m sorry for doing that to you today. I-I can’t stop you from crying, but I can tell you to continue on living for me.”

Kya closes her eyes and nods silently against Lin’s hair even though accepting it feels like swallowing a whole rock. After a few seconds, Lin scoffs, “Well, that was cheesy.” Kya leans back and sees Lin’s lips set in a disapproving line and pink rising to her cheeks, and this was just so very domestic and so _Lin_ that she can’t help but laugh and kiss the blush tainting her skin. 

She knows that death is inevitable, knows death from her time serving as a healer and the former Avatar’s daughter. But that doesn’t mean she’s ready for death to take her love. She feels like her future has been unjustly stolen and it makes her irritated and cry at the same time because she knows she can never take it back. Kya thinks this is some sort of punishment, death’s revenge against Kya for stealing time for many sick people. But she doesn’t regret her healing, will never regret it. She’s given people time for the future they needed, and if Death was mad about that then they should come talk to her themselves. She thinks this over and finally realizes that death doesn’t steal futures. It only steals time. Kya could live her future with Lin right now.

“How about Jinora’s little kid, huh?” Kya’s voice is a little raspy from her crying, but it’s casual enough to make it sound like a conversation. Lin looks confused because the current Jinora was still a kid herself. Kya continues, “The kid definitely took after his mother, but the eyes, spirits, it’s Kai all over again.” 

Lin catches on and adds to their act. “Right, she better have whatever stuff Pema ate to raise four airbenders. That kid will grow up to be a much more hectic Meelo.” A smile curls the edge of Lin’s lips and Kya wants to kiss her again, but she also wants to keep living in the ‘future’. 

“Did you hear from Su? I heard she joined the White Lotus.” Then Kya adds because she somehow knows this would rile Lin up a bit. “As their executive deputy president or something… or was it higher?”

Lin rolls her eyes. “Better her than me. I don’t ever want to see another Avatar.” The words ‘for the rest of my life’ remains unspoken but they don’t allow it to ruin the mood. “Asami would follow after her in the White Lotus, probably. After she’s done conquering the world with her business empire. Mako told me yesterday that Asami and Korra were planning to build something called a skyscraper. Can you imagine that?”

They continue talking about imaginary grandchildren and the ‘new shop at the corner of the street’ until they’re laying down again on their bed. They talk and talk and talk until the future becomes too large for them to conceptualize anymore, so they start talking about their past instead. They laugh at how Bumi once ate his bedroom curtain just to spite Izumi for reasons they’ve now forgotten, and about that ‘one time they took dad’s bison and almost fell to the ocean’. They wish Izumi and Bumi and Su and Tenzin, even if his only contribution would be his cynicism, were here to share their thoughts and ideas and memories about their life and world. They keep talking, not knowing nor caring how much time has passed. And they continue until Lin falls asleep. 

Kya’s eyes widen and her heart stops beating, but when she feels Lin’s gentle breathing against her cheeks Kya smiles and curls up against her. She falls asleep with her arms wrapped around Lin. 

When she wakes up, for the second time that day, Lin’s not on her side of the bed.

**Author's Note:**

> im not superhuman, i cant possibly describe how lin beifong could die.


End file.
